GREAT HUMAN DEBATE

A FUNNY SHORT STORY BY ME.

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Title: The Great Human Debate

In the lush, green village of Animalkind, where the birds tweeted in Morse and squirrels organized nut stockpiles with military precision, there stood a prestigious institution known as Beastly Academy. This wasn’t any ordinary school; its students were the brightest four-legged, winged, and finned creatures from around the forest. And today was a particularly special day at Beastly Academy—the day of the Great Human Debate.

The auditorium buzzed with excitement as students filed in, their notebooks made from fallen leaves ready at paw, claw, and fin. Professor Owl, with his spectacles precariously perched on his beak, hooted for silence.

“Welcome, esteemed students! Today, we delve deep into the peculiar world of humans—the only species known to pay to live on a planet they were born on. Let’s review their classifications: Greedy, Traitor, Anger, Good Samaritan, Jealous, Lustful. Teams, please take your positions!”

On the stage, six groups prepared to argue which characteristic defined humanity best. The debate would guide next semester’s syllabus on human behavior.

First up was Gary the Greedy Goat, munching on a piece of homework he’d found tasty. “Humans are like me, but worse! They build enormous houses and buy more cars than they can drive. Have you seen how they treat Black Friday sales? It’s the epitome of ‘grab everything you can’—greed at its finest!”

From the audience, Penny the Parrot squawked, “But Gary, don’t they also give to charity?”

Gary paused, a leaflet hanging out of his mouth, “That, dear Penny, is just a tax write-off!”

Next, Sally the Snake slithered up to the podium, her scales shimmering under the stage lights. “Sssseriously now, humans are undoubtedly best classified as Traitors. They make promises to protect their planet, then chop down forests and spill oil into oceans. They say ‘forever’ and then—poof!—change their minds like shedding skin.”

The crowd hissed in agreement, a few tails thumping on the floor for emphasis.

Larry the Lion roared next, mane fluffed in what could only be described as pure indignation. “Anger is the essence of humanity! They yell in small metal boxes on wheels, fight over invisible lines on maps, and even throw things at rectangular boxes that show other humans playing games!”

A young fawn in the front row whispered, “My dad said a human once kicked him just because he ate a flower from his garden!”

“Oh, they’re simply dreadful!” clucked Clara the Chicken, ruffling her feathers.

The debate continued with Greta the Good-natured Gorilla advocating for the Good Samaritans among humans. “They build homes for the homeless, adopt orphaned puppies, and there are those who plant trees!” she pounded her chest passionately.

Max the Magpie interrupted, “Ah, but the Jealous ones—they’re the real gems. They envy each other’s grass because it’s greener, covet shiny gadgets, and even mimic each other’s nests—uh, I mean, homes!”

Finally, Fiona the Fox twirled her tail, her eyes gleaming mischievously. “And let’s not forget the Lustful. Always swiping right to find the next best thing, making perfumes to smell irresistible, and buying enormous shiny rocks to prove their love—quite the spectacle!”

The bell rang, echoing through the hall, signaling the end of the debate. Professor Owl, having scribbled notes furiously, announced, “Thank you, my insightful creatures! It appears humans are as complex as our forest network. Perhaps we need a new category: All of the Above!”

Laughter and howls of approval echoed as the animals shuffled out, their thoughts buzzing more about their next meal than the human conundrum. The consensus was clear, though: humans were an endless topic of study, and Beastly Academy was just scratching the surface.

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